I’m going to start doing episode breakdowns, and series wraps, I’m starting with Doctor Who Season 8 Episode 7 Kill The Moon. That being said, this is the first of these I’ve posted, and I don’t think this will be the usual format, we’ll see though.
I’m a huge Doctor Who fan, I got my start with the beginning of the new series in 2005. I have a great love for this show. I don’t even hate the Moffat years in general, as many Whovians do. I generally enjoy his episodes, that being said, I enjoyed him more as a guest writer.
I have not been impressed with the season thus far. I believe Capaldi is doing the best with what he’s given, but mostly he’s been given crap. As the Mythbusters once proved, you can indeed polish a turd, but it isn’t easy. Kill The Moon was in general a terrible episode, and that is not just my arachniphobia talking (well, maybe a little). I am so angry about it I can’t even articulate a truly thoughtful critique, so I will simply post my reactions to the events as they unfolded for you. These are essentially just a cleaned up version of the notes I took. Genuine knee jerk reactions. I’m pretty good at suspending disbelief and getting lost in something, thus a great love for this series, but this season is killing my childlike wonder and admiration for the show. Here goes, spoilers abound, as does much profanity and yelling. You’ve been warned.
This episode opens with Clara pleading with earth about making a decision to take an innocent life to save the world.
– My my, we are loving the overly dramatic entrances this season.
Let’s face it this child is a pain in the ass, pulling some shit to get a ride on a space ship.
– Sure, yell at him because some girl who has been nothing but a twat-waffle since the first episode is crying.
Now he possibly has infinite regenerations, or so he tells the astronauts, he doesn’t really know.
– How many regenerations? Infinite? okay then. Nicely retconned.
– Moon spiders WTF?
– KILL IT WITH FIRE
When moody teenager gets attacked by giant face eating moon spider she douses it with cleaning spray killing it. – Okay cleaning solvents work, it’s what I do at home.
– So it’s a germ, not a giant evil moon spider trying to eat people’s faces? Sure I’ll buy that.
-NOPE NOPE NOPE, I’m on the nope train to fuck off, right now.
-I’m used to Doctor Who coming up with new and interesting nightmare fuel, but bringing nightmares I already have to life… You guys are assholes.
“I can’t see everything, there are gray areas”? Usually this is one of those situations that are locked and must always happen, that’s new.
-Whoa whoa whoa, did the Doctor just admit he’s not infallible? That’s new for 12.
-OH GREAT! Now they have teeth with crazy vampire fangs, because GIANT FUCKING MOON SPIDERS weren’t terrifying enough.
-The Doctor is armed with ridiculous tools: cleaning solvent, and a yo-yo, is anyone else having 10 flashbacks?
– This Doctor is like a super grumpy 10 with insane eyebrows.
So the Doctor decides the only way to find out what is going on is to go diving through some mysterious amniotic fluid he finds on the moon.
-Jump into a vat of primordial spider goo. Seems like a good plan. Oh and hey there’s some more nightmare fuel.
The bratty girl is posting pictures of this adventure to Tumblr (because she’s a fucking genius, obviously) and the tumblr jokes roll on for a few minutes.
– The Tumblr jabs are cracking me up.
– “My granny used to post things on Tumblr.” – Translation “I found some of her Supernatural fan fiction. Scarred. For. Life.”
When the doctor reappears from his refreshing dip in the mystery fluid he proceeds to use the sonic to force a holographic projection of the inside of the moon. This is new.
– Since when does the sonic do hologram projections?
– They really are fucking with the sonic and it’s capabilities this season. Anyone else feel like Moffat has decided (since it’s his last season as show-runner) to just fuck with the fan base and watch them go ape-shit? We know he keeps tabs.
– If he’s about to say the moon is a giant spider egg hatching I’m going to throw something.
The Doctor tells us they aren’t actually spiders, but tiny little germs.
– Tiny germs my ass!
Because of course it’s an egg. Not spiders granted, but the big reveal is a very large suspiciously dragon-like creature inside the moon, and that creature growing is how the moon “put on weight.”
– and that was the sound of my TV crashing through a window.
– WAIT! is that a MOTHER FUCKING DRAGON?!?
So they go on and on about how it’s innocent, but it will likely kill earth blah blah blah. Lots of innocent life talk and a woman jab from the Doctor later, I’m calling it. Doctor Who just did an abortion episode.
– Pro life vs Pro Choice debate, are we seriously having this discussion right now?
That “woman” jab mentioned before is how the Doctor exits, leaving an angry astronaut, Clara, and a shitty teenager stranded with the face eating spiders on the moon, telling them to work it out for themselves because it’s not his planet. There’s a first time for everything.
– Are you kidding me? Now he can’t get involved? Since when is it earth’s decision? Since when can he not decide what’s best for everyone in the bloody universe?
– Oh and I guess he’s totally neutral on that debate. “Just call me Switzerland.”
Clara suggests that the American president should be the one to make this decision. That one stings on all sides really.
– America jabs are always funny, though it seems a little easy, we are an easy target.
Hermione Norris’s angry astronaut lady corrects them that the President of the US is now a woman.
– Oh and we finally got a woman president, FUCK YEAH!
When the Doctor brings up an instance of not meddling with time and earth affairs he talks about the time that he and Clara went to have dinner in Berlin in 1937 (obviously an episode we don’t get to see ) and how they didn’t kill Hitler, well he’s obviously forgetting the time this happened.
-Kill Hitler? You tried that once, or I guess River did, though Rory got in a good jaw shot and stuffed him in the cupboard. I miss Rory.
This is where the Doctor shoves shitty teenager out of the TARDIS tells them it’s not his problem and fucks right off.
– Wow Doc, good move, leave them on the giant spider infested dragon egg all alone. Douche move.
The spiders manage to shatter the glass on a door and the cabin is loosing pressure, a well placed bit of metal just the right size gets sucked right over the hole, so that’s one less thing to panic about.
– Well that was convenient – Thanks randomly well placed piece of scrap metal.
While Clara and Astronaut are discussing the ramifications of either option little miss angst says she has a physics book in her bag, they basically just ignore her and roll their eyes.
– PHYSICS! Ha! This is Doctor Who we don’t need your silly physics.
– Oh it’s just an eggshell, huh? Sure Clara good point, it’s just an eggshell that has withstood one hundred million years of being pummeled by asteroids. Eggshell means it must be super brittle, no bigs.
-Though I feel compelled to point out that our astronaut’s plan of blowing it to shit might have similar repercussions.
So Astronaut asks Clara if she ever wanted kids, and Clara says yes. To which Astronaut just believes the whole time travel bit, and uses her possible grand children on earth as leverage.
– I love how easily Ms Astronaut accepted time travel and a genius ancient alien.
When our stranded ladies can’t reach a decision we come back to the dramatic opening with Clara pleading with earth to vote whether to kill this innocent baby or to take the chance. The vote is taken by lights. Blackout the baby dies, Lights on it lives. They have 45 minutes to see what earth’s answer is. Earth’s answer is naturally to kill it.
– Put it to a vote! Sure, that always turns out well.
– In an hour you can totally see the entirety of the earth’s surface from the moon in order to count the votes.
At literally the last second Clara says fuck you all, and “aborts” the detonation of the nukes.
– Who cares what earth says, Clara knows best!
The Doctor shows up, basically deciding to weigh in after all, but Clara has already decided.
– Oh no, wait! The Doctor has a last minute opinion after all! Of fucking course he does.
He lands them on the beach with a front row seat for the dragon hatching.
– OF COURSE IT”S A HARMLESS FUCKING SPACE DRAGON!
The egg then disintegrates and baby dragon lays a new dragon egg to hang out for another 100 million years.
– The egg just disintegrates, because that’s how that usually works.
– Everyone lives happily ever after?
The Doctor then proceeds to tell everyone how mouthy little girl saved the world. Only she didn’t actually do anything.
– Oh, troubled little girl, you sat in the TARDIS and mouthed off for most of the episode, but you’re totally special, you saved the world.
– Baby space dragon lays a new egg, well played.
The Doctor’s response to the new moon/egg is to say “Now that’s a new moon!”
– Oh and the Doctor gets punny.
Astronaut is so glad it all worked out, she gives Clara a loaded look and rolls her eyes at the Doctor.
– Girl crush alert! That silly, idealistic school teacher just literally gave her the moon. Cue Tumblr exploding with fan fiction.
Clara looses her shit, and tells the Doctor all the things we’ve wanted to say this season. “I will slap you so hard you’ll regenerate!”
– Clara is very cross with you, Doctor.
– Oooh holy shit, she is feisty. We’ve all felt the need to slap the Doctor so hard he regenerates more than once. It’s cool, we know that feel. Like right now!
– Wow she seriously called him on his bullshit. Go Clara.
The Doctor justifies his actions by saying he believes earth and Clara are grown up enough to make their own decisions and he did this out of respect for them. pffff
– Respect, that’s respect. Throw him in a cell and make him listen to Aretha Franklin non-stop until he actually understands the meaning of the word.
– The Impossible Girl is done with your impossible shit.
Clara after telling the Doctor to never come back, goes and talks to handsome Mr Pink about it. He tells her she’s still too angry to actually be done. So she’s not done, until she’s not angry anymore.
– Oh and I guess she’s not done with his shit.
Closing shot of Clara looking at the new moon/egg from her window, which hilariously enough looks EXACTLY like the old moon, impact craters and all.
– Cheesy looking at the moon in a new light close. Bravo.
– I hate this episode.
Now, the episode did have some great moments. There are several throwbacks to fun, cheesy new series Who, but overall, I was unimpressed.
So that’s that. I warned you it was angry, sarcastic, and profane. I really cannot deal with this season. I really do hope it gets better. I enjoy Capaldi in the two decent episodes so far. I just want more of that, is it really too much to ask?